An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"
A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new blonde wife crying.
So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."
So off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."
Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.
After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"
Post by *NastyGimp* on Feb 20, 2004 11:22:59 GMT -5
It’s very kind of you to preserve me as the last post in the Jokes thread. I guess you thought it was so funny you had to start another one.
Anyway, here’s one for your new thread:
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes £5 a week and I make £10 a week. That's about £60 a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Post by *NastyGimp* on Feb 25, 2004 7:27:37 GMT -5
A marriage broker goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the woman you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"
"Don't bother," replied Mr. Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs. I'm happy with that arrangement!"
"That's all well and good, but no man's sisters in this world can fill the role of a wife," the marriage broker countered.
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
Post by *NastyGimp* on Mar 2, 2004 12:12:33 GMT -5
Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Post by *NastyGimp* on Mar 31, 2004 8:46:49 GMT -5
On a clear day,The Pope is having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to empty his scrotal sacs, and this is one of these occasions.
Just as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air."Hold on a minute" says the Pope. "You can't do that; you'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church." "This picture is my lottery win", says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life." So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million dollars.
The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?" "Two million dollars" replies the Pope. "TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."
Post by *NastyGimp* on Apr 20, 2004 4:56:51 GMT -5
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her and asks, Can we have sex ?
No she replies, I'm married to God, She stands up and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says, I can tell you how to have sex with her
YEAH ?, says the hippie, YEAH !, says the bus driver. she goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God.
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
I am God, he declares to the nun, keeping his hood low about his face, Have sex with me.
The nun agrees without question, but begs but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity
God agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her,
As he finishes he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish, "Ha Ha", he cries, "I am the hippie".
Post by *NastyGimp* on May 6, 2004 11:22:01 GMT -5
So Jeff walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
”Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally got up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some tank tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sweetest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
Post by *NastyHoodlum* on May 12, 2004 9:39:26 GMT -5
A young journalist gets a job at a provincial newspaper in the middle of the prairies. His first assignment was to write a human-interest story. Driving through the cornfields, he spied an old farm-hand and introduced himself. "Out here in the middle of nowhere - has anything ever happened that made you happy?". "Yup!" he exclaimed, suddenly. "One time my neighbour's daughter, got lost. So we formed a posse, we eventually found her. After we all screwed her, we took her home." The young journo blanched. "I can't print that!". "Has anything else happened?" The farmer thought again. "Yeah!" he said. "One of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We found it and all screwed it before we took it back home." "Christ!" yelled the young man. "I can't print that either!". "OK - has anything around here that made you particularly sad?" The old man looked at the ground. "Well," he said sheepishly. "I got lost, once."
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done
Post by *NastyHoodlum* on May 12, 2004 13:38:06 GMT -5
Having read through that again, i got a terrible feeling i've read it before.... i hope it wasn't in the last jokes thread before it disappeared.... ah well ;D
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were:
1) A Woman 2) A Donkey 3) A Shovel 4) A Fish 5) A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old, but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.
2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged, he said...
"I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads...
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
"I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" Little Johnny replies.
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
An Italian, and Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
And to the Chinese guy, "you're in charge of supplies."
He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese a guy was in a charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I coulda no find him."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy... Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"