Post by *NastyR@ptor* on Jun 15, 2009 19:38:59 GMT -5
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ?I would like to buy some cyanide. ?
The pharmacist asked, ?Why in the world do you need cyanide?? The lady replied, ?I need it to poison my husband.?
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, ?Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!?
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'You didn't tell me you had a prescription
Post by *NastyRedneck* on Jul 27, 2009 8:42:49 GMT -5
Well as having penicillin for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I can state this: On the self-confidence scale, farting while having a bad case of diarrhea scores a 10+ !! It sure is lonely at the top......
Post by *NastyR@ptor* on Jul 31, 2009 16:07:52 GMT -5
Two Woodpeckers...........
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Post by *NastyR@ptor* on Aug 1, 2009 20:38:26 GMT -5
Man who run in Front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind Car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one Chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in Other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator Smell different to midget. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Person who deletes this has no humor!!! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Now send it to 1 Or more people. Nothing will Happen but 1 or more people laughing
Post by *NastyR@ptor* on Nov 16, 2009 7:45:08 GMT -5
Fall Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Thursday November 26,2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3 Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5 Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM
Class 6 How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7 Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8 Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9 I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10 How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11 Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12 How to Shop by Yourself. Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day ....
And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor .
Post by *NastyFr8shaker* on Nov 19, 2009 11:36:40 GMT -5
For two years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.
He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later'.
She did, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce!
Post by *NastyRedneck* on Dec 29, 2009 18:56:18 GMT -5
Last week I went to see the doctor. I asked: Doc, ..... if I quit drinking and woman, will I live longer? He said: Well, .... no, .. but it will seem a lot longer.
Post by *NastyJeff* on May 11, 2010 10:48:57 GMT -5
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........spank his ass again!