A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop...
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.
Post by *NastyCanned_Meat!* on Jun 2, 2004 15:45:20 GMT -5
A blonde, a brunette and a red head are at a lake and they decide to go swimming to an island in the middle of it. The Brunette says "hey, let's see who can swim there the fastest doing the breast stroke." So 10 minutes later the brunette and the red head make it to the island. 3 hours later the blonde shows up, completely out of breath and says: "you guys cheated! You used your arms!"
Post by *NastyCanned_Meat!* on Jun 3, 2004 4:35:25 GMT -5
Yeah, i decided to join the forum. I figured, hey, i use their servers all the time, so why not freeload the message boards too? Anyway.....
A blonde is on vacation in Florida and she goes into a store and sees a pair of shoes that cost $150. So she asks the store owner why they cost so much. He says:"They're expensive because they're alligator shoes." The Blonde says: "I'm not paying that much for those shoes." And the clerk tells her that she can always go hunting for some. Later that night the clerk is driving home on a small road past a swamp when he sees the blonde from earlier in the day. The blonde loads a shotgun, takes aim and shoots an alligator. The store owner gets out of his truck and asks the blonde what she's doing. The Blonde simply walks up to the dead alligator, looks at its feet and says: "Man, this one's not wearing shoes either!"
BTW, should I go ahead and post all my Michael Jackson jokes here, too? 'Cuz i have millions of those.
Post by *NastyCanned_Meat!* on Jun 3, 2004 16:59:59 GMT -5
Choice joke i heard on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno: "I see McDonald's has come out with this new thing called the Adult Happy Meal with healthier food. They're apparently trying to appeal to an older audience. Adult Happy Meal. Doesn't that just sound creepy? And what's the toy? Does it vibrate!?"
Ah, good old McDonald's: now making people fat and a little TOO happy.
Post by *NastyCanned_Meat!* on Jun 4, 2004 7:54:05 GMT -5
Zena: Reminds you of the Orgasmatron9000, no?
Anyway, I've made fun of blondes, let's move on to redneks! The following jokes were made by Jeff Foxworthy (giving props to him), but it's truly hilarious stuff.
You might be a redneck if.... ...You think Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone company. ...You think Genatalia is an Italian airline. ...You think possum is the other white meat. ...You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph. ...You think a quarter horse is the ride in front of the Wal-Mart ...You think the OJ Trial is a taste test between Minutemaid and Sunkist ...You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay ...To you a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a 6 pack ...You go to a family reunion to pick up chicks ...5th grade was the best 6 years of your life! And there's ever so more of these ;D
Post by *NastyCanned_Meat!* on Jun 10, 2004 17:30:03 GMT -5
Hmm.. no new jokes for awhile. That's alright, I'm here to keep adding them! So, I've made fun of Blondes and Rednecks. What's left... Oh, yes, celebrities!
What's the most steady job in America? Jennifer Lopez's wedding planner!
Did you hear Britney Spears got in a car accident? She totaled her car, but she's fine. Both her and the car had DUAL AIR BAGS.
I heard Christina Auguilera was going to be named woman of the year by a magazine. That magazine: Prostitute Monthly.
Did you see Bill Clinton wrote a book? And even more surprising, it's NOT sold in adult book stores!
George W. Bush wants to open his own Presidential Library. Of course, the only book in there is the only one he understands: The Cat in the Hat.
Oh, my.... so many celebrities to make fun of, so little time.... ;D
Post by *NastyCanned_Meat!* on Jun 16, 2004 18:11:49 GMT -5
Man, the joke thread's starting to die. Good thing I'm here. I need either a defribiliator or more jokes...... Looks like more jokes wins out. So let's keep this trainwreck movin'! More celebrity jokes!
There's a new movie comming out called White Chicks about 2 black men who become white women. Or as Michael Jackson calls it, a documentary!
Former President George Bush Sr (the... real one) went skydiving for his 80th birthday. And there was only one thing going through his mind: "I'm falling faster than my son's approval rating!"
And just for the heck of it, one joke that's not about celebrities and you need to be observant to get it: "Dislexics of the world, UNTIE!"
Post by *NastyGimp* on Jun 17, 2004 2:16:14 GMT -5
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realising that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited.. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!" I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed.
After the game they ask her "how is it that you know so much about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your balls?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they... cut my salary in half!"
Post by *NastyGimp* on Jul 21, 2004 21:59:44 GMT -5
A guy wanted to improve in the bedroom department so he went to his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Post by *NastyBlade* on Jul 24, 2004 13:21:54 GMT -5
There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.
He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.
The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.
Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".
"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.
She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".