A group of 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The female teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their arm pits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 3rd!"
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm in the 7th, riding SeaBiscuit...but thanks!"
This Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were at the pub having a chat about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman said "I went into my daughter's room yesterday when she was out, and I found a some cigarettes on the floor. I didn't know she was a smoker!"
"Ahh, that's bad", said the Scotsman. "Last week I went into my daughter's room and saw half a bottle of Whisky under her bed. I didn't know she drank alcohol - I must do something about it."
The Irishman said "That's terrible. But get this: I walked past my daught's bedroom door and looked in - I saw a pack of condoms lying on the floor. I didn't know she had a cock!"
Post by *NastyBlade* on Feb 20, 2005 19:19:07 GMT -5
;D Apologies to any Irish people reading this ;D
Three men: An American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a Microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his Palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his bum.
The others raised their eyebrows................
"Will you look at that?" says Paddy, I'm getting a fax."
Post by *NastyJeff* on Feb 23, 2005 2:55:24 GMT -5
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Post by *NastyJeff* on Feb 23, 2005 2:58:11 GMT -5
A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"
The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"
The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"
Post by *NastyJeff* on Feb 23, 2005 2:59:13 GMT -5
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.
Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!" ;D ;D ;D
Post by *NastyJeff* on Feb 23, 2005 2:59:47 GMT -5
So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'
Post by *NastyJeff* on Feb 23, 2005 3:00:30 GMT -5
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
Post by Someone called GWN on Mar 1, 2005 21:03:10 GMT -5
There were 3 guys; an American, Italian, and a Newfy. They are all trying out for this, secret ops thing for the government. They're on their last test. The instructor says "Ok, this test u will have to go into to this room, pick up the gun on the table, and shoot whoever is in the chair. So, the American busts in, grabs the gun, and quickly turns the chair around, and it was his wife sitting in the chair. So he thinks I can't shot her, I love her dearly. So he walks out. The Italian busts in, grabs the gun, and quickly turns the chair around, and it was his wife in the chair. So he thinks I can't shot her, I love her dearly. So he walks out. The Newfy walks in, instructor listening carefully outside, and all he hears is, loud bangs, and the furniture moving around. The newfy walks out, out of breath, and says "Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair"!
Post by *NastyJeff* on Jun 22, 2005 6:38:09 GMT -5
people gave me a hard time for teaching a 2 year old how to play quake...... [ftp]http://www.killsometime.com/Video/video.asp?video=Little-Drummer-Boy[/ftp]
Post by *NastyBlade* on Jun 27, 2005 6:52:48 GMT -5
A golden oldie to prove the old ones are the best
THE BACON TREE
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
Post by *NastyHoodlum* on Oct 24, 2005 17:17:46 GMT -5
A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Springbok." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion Shot with a .416 rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye? His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
Last Edit: Oct 24, 2005 17:18:33 GMT -5 by *NastyHoodlum*
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done
Post by *NastyJeff* on Oct 24, 2005 18:28:04 GMT -5
OMG! Missy, Zena, Vixen, any and all females, turn your heads while I respond.... LMAO!!!! HARDY HAR HAR!!!! tee heee...now, THAT WAS GOOD....( nasty too...)